Every day is a new beginning. Take a deep breath and start again.



A new year is upon us and so begins the resolutions for us to change. However, each and every day is a new beginning.
A moment for us to start anew.
But with the changing of the new year, it does bring up our short-comings to the forefront and gives us the opportunity to  make an immediate changes, to make resolutions. For myself, I have decided not to make any resolutions. Resolutions can easily be broken. Therefore,  I have decided to make commitments to the Lord...to give my word to Him to make the changes necessary to live the life He has called me to live.
I have a created a list of changes that need to be made and wrote them in a letter to God as my commitment to Him. A promise that these changes will be at the forefront of my mind throughout each day of the coming year.
I realize that this is a tall order and may seem drastic but the time is now to step out of the boat and onto the water. No more wishy-washy resolutions, no more half-hearted commitments, no more selfishness and placing God second in my life.
He is my Lord and Saviour. I need to act like it.

Take a deep breath and start again. Grace allows us to do that every day.
And I am going to take each and every day to start anew and begin again.
I am taking a deep breath.

Christmas spirit....
A time when we come to celebrate the birth of Christ or to celebrate the giving of gifts, kindness, and love or to treat each other with compassion and hospitality...
I don't think there is such a thing...not with what I have experienced in the last few days.
People yelling and getting angry over the smallest of things...no generosity or even civility.
No kindness; no loving; no compassion. No Christmas spirit.

Now, have I given up on believing that there is compassion, love, or kindness at this time of the year?
No...because I see it all year long. There is hope for humanity because of a gift that was given to mankind from an all compassionate God.  
I know many have heard this thousands of time but take time to truly think upon this....God who is all-mighty, who is righteous and just, loved His creation so much...He loves mankind so much that He sent His one and only Son as a sacrifice...sent Him to die so we could be saved...so we could have life. This gift can never be repaid...we just have to do one thing...accept the gift.

Can you imagine someone who loves you giving you a pile of Christmas gifts and knowing it is everything you have ever wanted...and yet, you rejected all of those gifts! This is what God has done for us...but it was just one gift and that one gift supplies all our wants and desires....it gives us all the love, compassion, kindness, grace, and life we could ever need. 

I pray that the world...all those people yelling, getting angry, being impatient, frustrated, sad, and being a "grinch"...would come to accept the wonderful gift given to us by God our Father.

Christmas spirit is just not a seasonal thing....it is a year long, a life long spirit of love, compassion, grace, and mercy. Accept God's perfect gift for everyone. 

Merry Christmas....be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be the spirit of Christmas. be like the Spirit all year long.

Tomorrow is the day that I will always remember. A sad day...my father died that cold winter morning. 
I remember waking up about three in the morning. It was snowing... I couldn't go back to sleep so I got up and dressed and went for a walk. 
There is nothing more peaceful than walking in snowfall at night. All I could hear was the crunching of snow beneath my boots. Despite the cold, I wasn't cold at all. 
Somehow I knew my father was gone. I walked for hours, just absorbing the quiet and talking with God. Never before had I felt such peace. I watched the sun rise over the newly fallen snow. We received the phone call that my father had died. I was okay. No tears, just sorrow.
My dad has been gone twenty-one years tomorrow. Like any other daughter who has lost their dad, I miss him. I miss his dry sense of humor and his love of classical music which he passed on to me. My dad was not a Christian...he chose not to accept the gift of salvation...he told me it was his choice. 

I miss that morning of walking in the snow. The peace I had walking in the quiet, in the darkness, in the light of the snow glistening by the moon. I miss my dad and that he chose not accept peace, love, and salvation. 

As we draw closer to the day of celebrating the birth of our Savior...take time to share the greatest gift of all with your loved ones so you won't have to say..."I'll miss them forever". His gift to us is the greatest gift of all...share it. I have....it just hasn't been accepted. Don't give up...there is always hope; there is always love; there is always peace.

This week we celebrate Thanksgiving. A day in which we can express our gratitude for family, friends, and our way of life.

Why do we regulate it to just one day. Are we so selfish and ungrateful that we don't express our thankfulness to our loved ones consistently? Do we not tell God how thankful we are for the blessings He bestows upon us every day? Must we really have a day to say we will be thankful?

I can honestly say that every day, I make time to tell God how thankful I am for all He has given me. I tell my family that I am grateful for them...(they have put up with me for the last fifty-three years!) I tell my friends that I appreciate their friendship and how much they mean to me. 
The reason it must be consistent is that I do not want to take anything for granted. You don't know how long you will be here on this earth or how long they will be here with you. 

And I sometimes miss saying thanks to some that just never come to mind, for this I am filled with sorrow. Say thanks to our leaders...in government, in the church, in your job...they like to hear thank you and are appreciative of it. In government...their job is not easy and we live in a country that does provide us with many freedoms (many of which we take for granted). In your job...being the boss is not that great sometimes...they like to hear thank you once in while just as you like to hear it from them. In our church...leaders of the church (our elders and ministers) have a very thankless job. They have to please God, care for family and the church, be discerning and wise in their decisions for the flock and do it  without pay. They do it because of their love of our Lord, so the least we can do is to tell them often how much we appreciate them and their sacrifice of serving. Say thanks to our missionaries, those near and far...for they a promoting the kingdom of God. 

I realize there is some I may have missed...but if they come to mind...say thanks. Be grateful and thankful every day and never take this life for granted.....we have but one to live. So live it fully and joyfully...live for Him.

Family trees tell the history of you. 
The family to which I was born into is separated and it matters not the history...too much of a "me" mentality rather than a "we" mentality. But family is necessary...family is growth, is love.
I know there are many people like me who have a family that is not a family...searching for a place to belong. 


I have found that place to belong. My church family. My brothers and sisters in Christ have created a family. One where I belong, where I am loved.  Is it perfect? No. Far from it. But we love beyond our mistakes. We love in our trials. We love in our praises. We are God's family.
I have made a lot of mistakes and have hurt and been hurt in this family...yet, they are still right beside me holding me up, holding me accountable, holding me close. This family is a tree that is growing, bearing fruit, and full of love. 
I am truly thankful for this body of believers and that I can call them family.

Communication is needed to build any and all relationships. For without communication, there will be no relationship.

I have just finished listening to a sermon series on prayer. Prayer - communication with God. I can honestly say that my prayer life has developed. I cannot stand to go a day without talking with God!! I look forward to waking every morning just to have that time with Him. And the great result from this is that I a building a stronger and deeper relationship with Him!
Even if I don't have the words to say...He is there...listening and waiting. 

Now how I pray may seem strange to some, but I write my prayers. I have found that I am extremely honest and open when I write...the pen to the paper cannot be changed (at least for me). It also gives me the opportunity to see God working in my life and the prayers He has answered and it also gives me the opportunity to know Him...what His will is for me and my life!

Writing my prayers; they are my love letters to God. When I don't feel like just giving God a list of requests...I just praise Him; thank Him for all He has done; all that He will do; and His love for me and my love for Him. It is the building of an intimate relationship.

How we communicate dictates what kind of relationships we have...by keeping an open and direct communicative line in a relationship, it will build and strengthen the relationship. I pray that all of my relationships will be built and strengthen through communicating our lives with one another.

I pray that the people in my life would communicate with me as well. I cannot repair a broken relationship if I don't know it has been damaged. A hurt I may have caused, a promise broken...a sin that needs to be forgiven...this is what communication can accomplish...repairing the damages, building strength into the relationship, loving one another.

Let us communicate with one another. Open our lives to one another, share our lives, build up love.
Let us communicate with God. For He is the most important relationship we must build.

I have never been a morning person. I doubt I shall ever be one. But I challenge myself each and every morning to wake and make prayer my first priority. Am I successful? Not always, but when I am successful and as soon as I wake, my thoughts go straight to Him...what a glorious, joyous morning it is!!!

I am finding that if I make the effort to talk with God, even if I don't feel like it....there is still a connection. I speak and He listens and then I listen...I absorb His word, His love, His grace and mercy. Even if I have nothing to say or don't know what to say...the time with Him is still a benefit! Sometimes, just sitting in silence is the most profound moment for deepening my relationship with Him.

Our minister is in the process of preaching on prayer. I cannot express how much this has impacted me. God is answering all questions through His own word and through his people! I am drawing closer to God because I am making the effort to communicate with Him daily. It matters not what I feel...I just do. 
Now this might sound like I don't put effort into this and I will be honest there are times, I do not! Yet, if I am honest with Him and tell Him exactly how I feel...our moment together changes...He allows me to just dwell in His presence...and the results are more enlightening and glorious.

I am finding that my time with Him is not because I have to..I must do this to be a better Christian...I am finding that I need that time with Him!! And if I miss time with Him in the morning...I think what have I missed out on....what jewel of wisdom did I miss because I did not spend time with Him!
And I am finding that going to Him first thing in the morning is a the biggest blessing I could ever have!!! 
He knows I am not a morning person and accepts me just as I am....and I am learning that not being a morning person is okay as long as I make time with Him...then the rest of my day is brighter and overflowing with Him!

I am learning to look forward to spending time with Him in the early morning...(even when my morning doesn't start until late morning).

I have to marvel at the steps taken in this journey. I have found God in everything and every step of this journey. 

If I just sit and listen...I am truly overwhelmed by His majesty and glory. And to be overwhelmed by God is the hardest and most beautiful thing that can happen to a person. My limited mind cannot process all that He is...and that He shares even a small part with me...it is far beyond my imagination and conception and understanding. It is no wonder that I am overwhelmed!!

The last few weeks, I have been spending some time with Him. Oh, I pray and I have found that sometimes it is a list of requests...but to spend time with Him....to listen...to absorb all that He wants to tell us through His word and through the Spirit...there is a sense of awe and wonder and fear. I am learning to have a relationship with God! Think of how astounding that is...that we as a small mass of atoms, insignificant in the big picture....God wants a relationship with us!! He lavishes us with His love and goodness....is it no wonder the powerful sense of being overwhelmed is felt!

Each day, He has given me a little nugget of wisdom to take me one more step towards Him. The things I have learned...for the first time in a very long time...my vision is clearer...and it all points to Him! I realize I have a long way to go on this journey and I know that there will be a lot more mistakes and moments of failure...but there is also going to be moments of glory and praise and joy!! I am in His arms for eternity and I am overwhelmed by the enormity of Him and His love for me and for the relationship I am building with Him.

Seasons are a sign that everything in nature is in a change...always moving from one point to another.

So I wonder why we resist change so much. It is for our benefit to change. Change means growth.

Take a look at nature. In the spring, a season of new birth...a moment to begin. In the summer, a season of growth...building deep roots and flourishing fruit. In the autumn, a time for harvest...to glean the bounty of growth. In the winter, it is a time of rest; of sleep, and unfortunately for some, death. But the spring returns...a season of birth...a moment to begin again.

So if nature accepts and embraces change, then why can't we? I am finding that I do not mind change. For me, it means I am growing. I can have that moment of spring to begin again. I cherish the summer for it means I am building deep roots of faith and flourishing fruit of the Spirit and in the summer heat, this can be a sacrifice. The autumn is my time to harvest...to glean the fields! And for me, winter is my time of rest. Look at the seasons of change in your life as an entire cycle, not just that one season. Some stay in the same season for a long time and that is okay. Know that there will be a change of season.

Seasons are change. Embracing the change...responding to the change, the season of life, will dictate how quickly or slowly the season changes. Have you learned what you needed in this season? Have you embraced the change?

I love the changing of the seasons...it is life.

I have struggled with my weight for many years. The last two years have been especially hard as I have gained over sixty pounds. I would try and eat better and exercise but would never stick with it or have much success. Until something clicked....I have watched the "Biggest Loser" for many seasons and nothing they said or did really helped me or motivated me to want to change. That is until last Thursday...they have a new trainer and it was something she said that spoke volumes to me.
She said we are motivated by two things...we are either motivated by fear or we are motivated by love, which is your motivation?
I realized that my entire life, I have been motivated by fear! How is this possible?!

As a Christian, fear is overcome by love. Jesus is love. Love overcomes fear. If I love Jesus and claim to be His follower, then the love of God is in me...following this rational thinking...therefore, I should be motivated by love for fear has been defeated by love. 

I have always struggled with God's grace and love given to me. For I have never seen anything in me that was worth His love and grace. But as I grow closer to Him, accepting His gift of love is becoming easier day by day. 

Now, with this revelation that I should have known all along, I am able to claim the power of His love! He is my motivation...love is my motivation...His love is my motivation. It hasn't been easy but I am now motivated by love and not fear.

Success is a long way off but I am only at the beginning and now that I have taken that first step into love and out of fear....success is achievable.

Good news is that in the last four days...I have already lost one pound!! Here I come success! Here I come motivated by love!

The power of water....
It changes our coastal shores with one wave at time, slowly eroding away each grain of sand. It has created grand canyons (pun intended) and magnificent rocky coasts. The power of water has created its own pathways to reach the oceans...mighty and great rivers; even small babbling brooks shape and form its own environment. You don't see the result of its power but it is there. For you, water is a source of life. We cannot live long without it. It cleanses us; it refreshes us; it cools us when hot and warms us when it is heated. It is our life source. Scientifically, most of our body mass is composed of water. It also cover three quarters of our planet. It is a powerful resource. 

For the Christian, the power of water runs deep. It connects us to God. It is our eternal life source. It gives us power in Christ. It is more than salvation...it is power connected to Christ that we share and have the ability to harness to defeat the enemy.And like the water that changes our landscape...it changes us.We have new life. 

Baptism is our connection...baptism is water...in this process we become connected to Christ. We die with Him, we are buried with Him, and we are resurrected with Him. We are new creations. 

And yet, I find many of us (myself, on occasion) do not harness the power of our new self in Christ. We do not harness His power...we limit His ability in our life...and it is our choice.

We need to take the time to talk with Him and give Him unlimited access to our life. We need to think upon that time the water gave us new life...recognize the great joy, the fullness of Him in our life, and the love He has for us needs to be projected outwards.

We need to allow Him to change us just as the waters change our environment...it is a slow and time-consuming process...but the results are beautiful. Harness the power of water....

The refining process of precious metals such as gold is a long, difficult, and expensive process.The heat for this process is extensive...temperatures to melt gold reach over 1945 degrees Fahrenheit. The reason for this process is to remove impurities and the purer the gold is, the more difficult will be the process of its refining.

So when God says He is refining us as pure gold, think of this process as the process of Him removing our impurities. And with some of us...this is a long and arduous process.

I know that being refined by fire is difficult, yet I am learning that as difficult this process is...He is making me purer, more precious, He is expressing His great love for me in this process. I am learning that the impurities I have in my life need to be refined and I may not like the process at the moment...I have never given up hope in Him or have I stopped believing.

This refining process is on-going in each of us and we all need to be loving and encouraging to one another. You never know when your difficult refining process will be able to help someone else being refined as well. Be open about the difficulties...be willing to share the struggles..for throughout this process, purity is being brought about. Purity that draws us closer to Him...that gives Him the glory, the honor, and the praise...that strengthens our faith and our relationship with Him and others.



6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy,
1 Peter 1:6-8

It is said you cannot repair broken pottery for it would not be as beautiful as when it was first crafted in the potter's hands...the Japanese disagree. They repair what was once broken and repair it with gold or silver lacquer making it even more beautiful and unique than before.

It is the same for us and our Father. He formed us with His hands, crafted us lovingly with patience, uniqueness, and beauty....in His image. 

Then, we become broken. Our lives we try to make our own...to do as we please...to be in control of our own destinies. Yet in this process, we become broken shards of pottery...shattered by our own sin, by the circumstances of life. We find that we are not beautiful. We are a pile of broken pottery with no hope of restoring our initial uniqueness and beauty. 

Some of us turn inward and continue the process of destroying ourselves. But some, we turn to the Master, our Potter, the One and Only who can mend the broken pieces.

Like the Japanese, He uses gold and silver to mend our broken pieces. And the process is difficult and hard on us...for us to be mended, we must be refined like the gold and silver...a long and difficult process! Yet, the end result is a piece that is more beautiful and unique because it was broken.

And sometimes, this process is on-going. For we have the tendency to want to tell the Master Potter how we should be mended. But just as in the beginning, He is patient and takes His time. It will be painful and challenging for us...yet we know that He knows us better than we know ourselves and we relinquish our control and surrender to His touch and  something that was once ugly and broken is becoming more beautiful in the process of mending the broken pieces.

Forgiveness...given to man by God through the blood of His Son, Jesus Christ. 

Forgiveness...the hardest thing for man to give to one another.

Stepping out in faith, believing that God has forgiven me, asking forgiveness from friends and family for the sins committed...it is one of the most difficult things to do. But it is also one of the most freeing things you can do to improve your relationship with God.

I think sometimes that when someone comes to us and ask for forgiveness...we say we forgive them...but it is only in word that we forgive.
We cannot forgive them in our hearts and soul. We cannot forget the wrong. We hold on to that hurt, to that injustice. It is easier to say it and shove the rest of it under the rug. We choose to ignore God's word we should forgive just as He forgave us.

I have been one of those people. But I cannot continue like that. I have forgiven. I am moving forward. I cannot repair the bridges burned because others do not want to amend and help right the wrongs. They do not forgive. They hold on to the past...they don't give second chances. It is sad. And I knew that this could happen...I just didn't realize how much it would hurt. They keep me in the past and in the wrong I have done. I have asked for forgiveness...I can do no more...I have and will continue to right my wrongs but I will not continue to dwell in the past. I can't. I will not survive!

I put on this face that says I am okay because people cannot handle the truth, the honest, gritty, dirty, and ugly truth that is me. But I am coming to realize...God sees the real me and He loves me anyway. He loves me so much that He came to earth and took the form of man...He loves me so much that He died for me so I could live...He loves me so much that despite all my faults, my ugliness, and my sinfulness...He pursues me and He forgives me. He makes me new. He keeps me moving forward.

Michelangelo's depiction of the creation of Adam on the Sistine Chapel. You can see God touching the finger of Adam...connection. Yet, Michelangelo missed so much more of God's hand in the creation of mankind. The bigger connection....God Himself creating man with His hands from the dust of the earth and breathing His very own breath into man to give Him life. That is the connection. We are forever linked to God by this connection. We are created in His image. We are created by Him and of Him. We are connected to Him.

And somehow, man has tried everything to sever this connection. Man listened to Satan in the garden of Eden and it hasn't stopped. Man still is listening to the deceiver. Man takes advantage of his use of free will and in the end it will become his demise.

Then, Christ came from heaven. Once again, God made that physical connection. He came as man. He came as a sacrifice to save man from his own demise...to save man forever. All we have to do is believe.

I have tried to think back of that moment when I began my life with Him...that moment I believed. I cannot remember anything about it. I remember a small piece of my baptism...(the pastor dropped me!) so if I cannot remember, was any of it genuine? That moment was over 38 years ago and I seem no further in my walk with Him than I was at the beginning. Was it real? Did that moment connect me to Him eternally? I question my belief! I question everything.

God breathed into Adam the breath of life...I was born thousands of years beyond that moment...I was a process of that moment...the natural order of things...did God breath into me His breath or was I just a production of that moment? I was created in the womb not of the dust of the earth by the very hand of God. Then I remember Psalm 139....God knitted me together in my mother's womb...He took the time to form me...He took His time...made in His image. I am fearfully and wonderfully made! 

That connection God made with Adam...formed from the earth...breath of God into man...formed by God's hands and it was "very good". That same connection is made with me. He has formed me, He has given me His breath of life, He has touched me...finger to finger...heart to heart.

In the process of emerging from the darkness, I am taking a risk. I am stepping into the light with open wounds. Needless to say, I am frightened and want so desperately to stay in the darkness...in my own little jail cell that I have created. But if I were to do that, stay where I am, I will surely die and become separated from God.

Tonight, I will share with members of my praise team about the darkness that I have been living in the dark for the last few months. I will have to be open and vulnerable and what I would rather do is run and hide!

The scariest part is that some of them will not  understand. They will turn away from the raw, gritty, and broken person for it is something that they cannot understand. I have to tell myself that this is okay, not everyone will know, comprehend the life that I live and its struggles...just as I cannot know theirs sometimes. I know that friendships will be tested tonight. I may even lose some as friends. But in the end, I must proceed...by being open and vulnerable, I am being open and honest with God and myself and can begin the road to recovery. And I know that this road will be long and probably treacherous and a constant struggle...but in all of this, if I am brought closer to God...then I will bear with anything to accomplish the prize that awaits me.

As leaves that fall from the trees in due season, I, too, am learning to fall away from one season and walk into another. I may find myself in a stormy season, full of rain and crashing waves, but now, that little light that has been in the darkness is glowing stronger.

Tonight, I will face some of my fears. Tonight, I begin to emerge from the darkness.

It has been exactly one year since I have written on this blog. I would love to say so much has changed and I am so much closer to God, but I cannot.  This past year has been difficult (mostly because of me) and I am now in a mode of just surviving and existing....going through the motions.

Last Saturday, I watched the movie, Ragamuffin, the story of the Christian artist, Rich Mullins. What I found a bit astounding is how lives never meeting, never knowing of each other could be so much similar in the struggles faced in this journey called life. I understood so much of what was experienced by Rich and yet it was so different...our lives are nothing alike, yet this movie spoke volumes to me. I am broken.

For these past few months, I have been walking in darkness. I haven't shared this with anyone due to fear. I have tried to bury all the darkness, all the sorrow, all the sin, and tried to bury myself. The doubts assail me. I am literally overwhelmed by doubt, disbelief, and wavering faith. I feel as if I am drowning in the darkness and I don't want to share any of it because I don't want anyone to know my fears, my short-comings, my flaws, my sin. I have tried to bury it all in hopes of it all going away...bury it so deep that even I don't have to see it.

But therein lies the problem...you can't bury it all. It needs to be exposed to the light for it to go away. I didn't want to acknowledge any of this and keep it buried, but in doing this, I fall deeper into the darkness and fall further away from God. I must face the darkness and acknowledge that it is a part of me. It has had a part in making me who I am.

I cannot tell you how many times I have asked God to take me home. How many times I have wished for this life to end. I have begged and pleaded with God to let me be with Him. I didn't want to be in this world any longer. I still don't. Do not misinterpret this...I am not suicidal...I just want to give up. But I don't...and I know God has something for me to do.

I know there are many who are praying for me and I know that they have the best intentions in trying to help me but I have always done things on my own. My God is big enough to help me through this and yet I find myself limiting Him...keeping Him at arm's length.

I think that there are some in this life who will have to struggle their whole life. God is there and He is providing but He needs them to struggle to draw near to Him, to depend upon Him, to love Him. To say that God has great things for me is lies...I need to struggle to know Him...greatness in my life would draw me to selfishness, pride, and arrogance...I need to struggle to become obedient. I think I need to struggle...but I just get so tired.

I can acknowledge the dark side of me to myself but there is no one else to tell this to...no one to trust with my dark side...(which is now burying the light) at least for now). So I will tell God about the darkness in me and pray I believe He loves me.