It has been exactly one year since I have written on this blog. I would love to say so much has changed and I am so much closer to God, but I cannot.  This past year has been difficult (mostly because of me) and I am now in a mode of just surviving and existing....going through the motions.

Last Saturday, I watched the movie, Ragamuffin, the story of the Christian artist, Rich Mullins. What I found a bit astounding is how lives never meeting, never knowing of each other could be so much similar in the struggles faced in this journey called life. I understood so much of what was experienced by Rich and yet it was so different...our lives are nothing alike, yet this movie spoke volumes to me. I am broken.

For these past few months, I have been walking in darkness. I haven't shared this with anyone due to fear. I have tried to bury all the darkness, all the sorrow, all the sin, and tried to bury myself. The doubts assail me. I am literally overwhelmed by doubt, disbelief, and wavering faith. I feel as if I am drowning in the darkness and I don't want to share any of it because I don't want anyone to know my fears, my short-comings, my flaws, my sin. I have tried to bury it all in hopes of it all going away...bury it so deep that even I don't have to see it.

But therein lies the problem...you can't bury it all. It needs to be exposed to the light for it to go away. I didn't want to acknowledge any of this and keep it buried, but in doing this, I fall deeper into the darkness and fall further away from God. I must face the darkness and acknowledge that it is a part of me. It has had a part in making me who I am.

I cannot tell you how many times I have asked God to take me home. How many times I have wished for this life to end. I have begged and pleaded with God to let me be with Him. I didn't want to be in this world any longer. I still don't. Do not misinterpret this...I am not suicidal...I just want to give up. But I don't...and I know God has something for me to do.

I know there are many who are praying for me and I know that they have the best intentions in trying to help me but I have always done things on my own. My God is big enough to help me through this and yet I find myself limiting Him...keeping Him at arm's length.

I think that there are some in this life who will have to struggle their whole life. God is there and He is providing but He needs them to struggle to draw near to Him, to depend upon Him, to love Him. To say that God has great things for me is lies...I need to struggle to know Him...greatness in my life would draw me to selfishness, pride, and arrogance...I need to struggle to become obedient. I think I need to struggle...but I just get so tired.

I can acknowledge the dark side of me to myself but there is no one else to tell this to...no one to trust with my dark side...(which is now burying the light) at least for now). So I will tell God about the darkness in me and pray I believe He loves me.