Forgiveness...given to man by God through the blood of His Son, Jesus Christ. 

Forgiveness...the hardest thing for man to give to one another.

Stepping out in faith, believing that God has forgiven me, asking forgiveness from friends and family for the sins committed...it is one of the most difficult things to do. But it is also one of the most freeing things you can do to improve your relationship with God.

I think sometimes that when someone comes to us and ask for forgiveness...we say we forgive them...but it is only in word that we forgive.
We cannot forgive them in our hearts and soul. We cannot forget the wrong. We hold on to that hurt, to that injustice. It is easier to say it and shove the rest of it under the rug. We choose to ignore God's word we should forgive just as He forgave us.

I have been one of those people. But I cannot continue like that. I have forgiven. I am moving forward. I cannot repair the bridges burned because others do not want to amend and help right the wrongs. They do not forgive. They hold on to the past...they don't give second chances. It is sad. And I knew that this could happen...I just didn't realize how much it would hurt. They keep me in the past and in the wrong I have done. I have asked for forgiveness...I can do no more...I have and will continue to right my wrongs but I will not continue to dwell in the past. I can't. I will not survive!

I put on this face that says I am okay because people cannot handle the truth, the honest, gritty, dirty, and ugly truth that is me. But I am coming to realize...God sees the real me and He loves me anyway. He loves me so much that He came to earth and took the form of man...He loves me so much that He died for me so I could live...He loves me so much that despite all my faults, my ugliness, and my sinfulness...He pursues me and He forgives me. He makes me new. He keeps me moving forward.

Michelangelo's depiction of the creation of Adam on the Sistine Chapel. You can see God touching the finger of Adam...connection. Yet, Michelangelo missed so much more of God's hand in the creation of mankind. The bigger connection....God Himself creating man with His hands from the dust of the earth and breathing His very own breath into man to give Him life. That is the connection. We are forever linked to God by this connection. We are created in His image. We are created by Him and of Him. We are connected to Him.

And somehow, man has tried everything to sever this connection. Man listened to Satan in the garden of Eden and it hasn't stopped. Man still is listening to the deceiver. Man takes advantage of his use of free will and in the end it will become his demise.

Then, Christ came from heaven. Once again, God made that physical connection. He came as man. He came as a sacrifice to save man from his own demise...to save man forever. All we have to do is believe.

I have tried to think back of that moment when I began my life with Him...that moment I believed. I cannot remember anything about it. I remember a small piece of my baptism...(the pastor dropped me!) so if I cannot remember, was any of it genuine? That moment was over 38 years ago and I seem no further in my walk with Him than I was at the beginning. Was it real? Did that moment connect me to Him eternally? I question my belief! I question everything.

God breathed into Adam the breath of life...I was born thousands of years beyond that moment...I was a process of that moment...the natural order of things...did God breath into me His breath or was I just a production of that moment? I was created in the womb not of the dust of the earth by the very hand of God. Then I remember Psalm 139....God knitted me together in my mother's womb...He took the time to form me...He took His time...made in His image. I am fearfully and wonderfully made! 

That connection God made with Adam...formed from the earth...breath of God into man...formed by God's hands and it was "very good". That same connection is made with me. He has formed me, He has given me His breath of life, He has touched me...finger to finger...heart to heart.

In the process of emerging from the darkness, I am taking a risk. I am stepping into the light with open wounds. Needless to say, I am frightened and want so desperately to stay in the darkness...in my own little jail cell that I have created. But if I were to do that, stay where I am, I will surely die and become separated from God.

Tonight, I will share with members of my praise team about the darkness that I have been living in the dark for the last few months. I will have to be open and vulnerable and what I would rather do is run and hide!

The scariest part is that some of them will not  understand. They will turn away from the raw, gritty, and broken person for it is something that they cannot understand. I have to tell myself that this is okay, not everyone will know, comprehend the life that I live and its struggles...just as I cannot know theirs sometimes. I know that friendships will be tested tonight. I may even lose some as friends. But in the end, I must proceed...by being open and vulnerable, I am being open and honest with God and myself and can begin the road to recovery. And I know that this road will be long and probably treacherous and a constant struggle...but in all of this, if I am brought closer to God...then I will bear with anything to accomplish the prize that awaits me.

As leaves that fall from the trees in due season, I, too, am learning to fall away from one season and walk into another. I may find myself in a stormy season, full of rain and crashing waves, but now, that little light that has been in the darkness is glowing stronger.

Tonight, I will face some of my fears. Tonight, I begin to emerge from the darkness.

It has been exactly one year since I have written on this blog. I would love to say so much has changed and I am so much closer to God, but I cannot.  This past year has been difficult (mostly because of me) and I am now in a mode of just surviving and existing....going through the motions.

Last Saturday, I watched the movie, Ragamuffin, the story of the Christian artist, Rich Mullins. What I found a bit astounding is how lives never meeting, never knowing of each other could be so much similar in the struggles faced in this journey called life. I understood so much of what was experienced by Rich and yet it was so different...our lives are nothing alike, yet this movie spoke volumes to me. I am broken.

For these past few months, I have been walking in darkness. I haven't shared this with anyone due to fear. I have tried to bury all the darkness, all the sorrow, all the sin, and tried to bury myself. The doubts assail me. I am literally overwhelmed by doubt, disbelief, and wavering faith. I feel as if I am drowning in the darkness and I don't want to share any of it because I don't want anyone to know my fears, my short-comings, my flaws, my sin. I have tried to bury it all in hopes of it all going away...bury it so deep that even I don't have to see it.

But therein lies the problem...you can't bury it all. It needs to be exposed to the light for it to go away. I didn't want to acknowledge any of this and keep it buried, but in doing this, I fall deeper into the darkness and fall further away from God. I must face the darkness and acknowledge that it is a part of me. It has had a part in making me who I am.

I cannot tell you how many times I have asked God to take me home. How many times I have wished for this life to end. I have begged and pleaded with God to let me be with Him. I didn't want to be in this world any longer. I still don't. Do not misinterpret this...I am not suicidal...I just want to give up. But I don't...and I know God has something for me to do.

I know there are many who are praying for me and I know that they have the best intentions in trying to help me but I have always done things on my own. My God is big enough to help me through this and yet I find myself limiting Him...keeping Him at arm's length.

I think that there are some in this life who will have to struggle their whole life. God is there and He is providing but He needs them to struggle to draw near to Him, to depend upon Him, to love Him. To say that God has great things for me is lies...I need to struggle to know Him...greatness in my life would draw me to selfishness, pride, and arrogance...I need to struggle to become obedient. I think I need to struggle...but I just get so tired.

I can acknowledge the dark side of me to myself but there is no one else to tell this to...no one to trust with my dark side...(which is now burying the light) at least for now). So I will tell God about the darkness in me and pray I believe He loves me.